Joo Woosung, looking parched, lifted the glass I poured and downed it in one shot.
Then, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he suddenly let out a chuckle.
“I swear, I thought I’d seen it all here, but you’re a first.”
A myriad of expressions flitted across his face, but after a long moment of just his lips twitching, Joo Woosung finally asked one simple question.
“Are you… okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“No, I mean your mental state.”
Joo Woosung said it like that.
It was just a question, but given the situation, it pissed me off that Joo Woosung even asked.
I propped my chin up with one hand and tilted my head to glare at him.
“I said I’m fine.”
With an unreadable expression, Joo Woosung looked directly into my eyes.
Then, he suddenly brought up something completely out of the blue.
“Do you remember when I told you about the mission and the pre-selected contestants during Shining Star Season 1?”
I remembered.
But why bring that up now?
“Back then, you said you owed me one and to let you know if I ever needed anything. Do you remember that?”
“…When was that again?”
“I asked if you remember.”
Despite my evident annoyance, Joo Woosung asked firmly.
I hesitated, considering whether to deny it, but eventually clicked my tongue and nodded.
“I want to use that now.”
“What?”
“Wait a second.”
He then rummaged through his pocket and pulled out his wallet.
I had no idea what he was up to, so I just watched quietly.
“Is it some pocket money?”
“Shut up for a second.”
Joo Woosung pulled out a small piece of paper from his wallet and handed it to me.
“Here.”
I took it absentmindedly.
It was a small white business card.
It read, “Psychiatry.”
“Go see them when you have time.”
Are you crazy?
I flipped the card back and forth.
“It’s a very private place, so you don’t have to worry about anyone finding out you’re going to a hospital. If you need, I can tell you how to get there.”
“…Why do you have this card?”
“Why do you need to know?”
Joo Woosung snapped, taking another sip of his drink.
“Modern medicine has come a long way. Just go when you have time.”
“…”
“I can see you’re falling apart in the inside.”
…Was this really the Joo Woosung that I knew?
Where did the guy who was always 2% short on awareness go? Now he was sharp as a tack.
“Can this really be considered paying back a debt?”
“Of course. I was saving this to mess you up, but now I’m using it out of the goodness of my heart.”
“Why didn’t you save it for later?”
“Because I’m fucking awesome.”
“…”
I gave him a cold stare, but Joo Woosung ran his fingers through his hair, unfazed.
It pissed me off a bit.
“Do your members know you caused all this?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Yeah, no sane person would think that.”
Even though he was the one who asked, Joo Woosung laughed incredulously.
“Anyway, be good to your members. They were really crying their eyes out. If it were me, I’d be pissed off, but they’re way too nice…”
“There’s probably one person who’s pissed.”
“Ah, Kang Ichae.”
As I took a sip of beer, Joo Woosung chuckled.
“You should’ve taken better care of them from the start. I told you, it’s a team after all. Do you think you can handle everything on your own? No way.”
“…”
Not wanting to respond, I just tapped the table and then asked.
“So, are you only close with Chae Jeongwoo?”
“…Hey.”
“I heard you’re quite distant with your group.”
Joo Woosung bit his lower lip, looking quite stung.
“Where did you hear that?”
“It’s quite famous.”
“Ha… damn it, people sure talk a lot. I’m trying to fix that.”
Joo Woosung pouted as he grabbed some food with his chopsticks.
Then, with a slightly redder face, he added another remark.
“…Let’s both try harder, you and me.”
Before I could respond, Lim Hyeonsu and Kim Heeyeon returned.
I quickly stuffed the business card into my pocket.
Lim Hyeonsu, oblivious to the conversation between me and Joo Woosung, looked at me with a somewhat clearer face, having freshened up outside, and placed a cigarette pack and lighter in my chest pocket.
“What are you doing?”
“Smoke and forget.”
Even as I glared at her, Lim Hyeonsu remained unfazed, shouting that we should move on to the fourth round.
“I’m heading home first.”
“Oh~. Where are you going!!”
“He’s busy~. He doesn’t want to hang out with us~.”
“Yes, I’m really busy.”
If I stayed any longer, I’d be dragged around by these drunks all night, so I quickly ditched them and grabbed a taxi.
When I arrived at the dorm, all the lights were off, and it was quiet.
It was already past midnight.
Even though they knew I’d arrived, no one came out of their rooms.
Without even changing my clothes, I went straight to bed.
I was still tired, but my mood wasn’t too bad.
I massaged my tingling left arm and gathered my thoughts.
“…Hmm.”
Then, I rummaged through my pocket and took out the business card.
I hadn’t thought about it at all until Joo Woosung brought it up again today, but I had gone to counseling before, so I wasn’t completely against it.
Going to the hospital wouldn’t be a bad idea, but…
It’s not a fundamental solution.
Even if I went, there were too many things I couldn’t talk about honestly.
Well, I’d go anyway.
I hadn’t expected Joo Woosung to call in his favor this way, but I was someone who kept promises no matter what.
As long as it’s not a scenario, it doesn’t matter…
I had always wondered why Joo Woosung was so good to me.
I tucked the business card into my wallet and thought of something else.
Joo Woosung’s occasional attempts to act like a sunbae always went in one ear and out the other, but today, something stuck with me.
The fact that we were a team, after all.
I looked at the still-empty bed beside mine.
Leaving things as they were could cause problems during our activities.
I couldn’t stay stuck here forever anyway.
“…Alright.”
Gathering my resolve, I jumped out of bed and headed straight to the company.
.
.
.
“So—”
I barged into the company in the early morning to confront Kang Ichae directly.
“—did you figure it out?”
Kang Ichae, who was still working and had his headphones awkwardly hanging around his neck, looked at me with wide eyes.
“…What are you talking about, suddenly showing up here?”
But the way he averted his gaze right after made it clear he knew what was going on.
I plopped down on a nearby chair.
“You’re avoiding me. You figured out what’s happening, didn’t you?”
At this rate, rumors of discord within the team were going to spread.
Kang Ichae paused slightly at my question, as if he was trying to collect his thoughts, then slowly asked…
“…Was hyung really the one who spilled his family secrets?”
…as expected.
When I remained silent, Kang Ichae scratched his head vigorously.
Then he took off his headphones, slouched in his chair, and scooted closer to me.
“Haa…”
He let out a deep sigh.
“Well… It’s not like I’m avoiding you because of that. Honestly, I always knew hyung had a bit of a shady side… But I didn’t expect you to come at me so suddenly like this.”
As we exchanged a few words, something unexpected struck me.
“…You’re not mad?”
Kang Ichae seemed unusually calm.
His eyebrows twitched.
“…Hmm, you really don’t remember, do you?”
He mumbled, rubbing his lips with his fingers after a long silence.
“Hyung, I’ve already gotten mad enough.”
“Huh?”
“It makes sense that you don’t remember, considering you’ve been out of it for the past few days.”
He twisted open a water bottle that was on the table and took a sip.
“Ever since the leak, you haven’t been able to sleep. When you did sleep a bit, you tossed and turned like you were having nightmares. In front of the camera or audience, you seemed fine, but it was like you were in a trance, completely out of it.”
“…”
“You were acting so strange that even I started to doubt if it was really you who did it.”
There was no particular blame in his tone or choice of words.
“Then why aren’t you coming back to the dorm?”
This made me even more curious.
If it wasn’t because of what he just said, why was he choosing to sleep on the cramped studio sofa instead of a comfortable bed?
“…Maybe to maintain a proper social distance?”
Kang Ichae joked, curling up the corners of his mouth playfully.
When I glared at him and crossed my arms, he quickly turned serious.
“Just to give you a break.”
“…!”
“People are already saying all kinds of things, so it wouldn’t be right for us, who are closest to you, to bother you too. We already agreed among ourselves.”
This was news to me.
Kang Ichae rolled his eyes as if reminiscing and shivered.
“Of course, there was some pushback, but Jiwon-hyung completely shut it down. He crushed it with his soft but firm voice. He’s a pro at intimidating people.”
“Seong Jiwon?”
“Yeah, that Seong Jiwon you believe to be so soft-hearted.”
“When did I ever say that?”
“Oh~, sure, whatever you say.”
I knew Seong Jiwon had a tough side to him too.
Kang Ichae smirked.
“You might not know, but the company wanted to push ahead with the schedule. Instead of giving us time off, they were immediately pushing for a reality show and concert schedule. Seonghyeon-hyung got really mad, and Dajun was barking right alongside him.”
“…Really?”
“…”
Kang Ichae’s exasperated look pierced me.
“Oh…”
His sigh carried so many emotions that it stung.
The way he held back his words, despite his frustration, was evident, hurting my pride a bit.
“Anyway, the fact that hyung ended up like this is partly our fault too. I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with being number one, but—”
“How is that your fault?”
Was he mistaking guilt for something else because of his sympathetic feelings?
Kang Ichae, noticing my intent, immediately countered.
“Emotionally speaking… No, you’re right. I can’t deny it.”
Kang Ichae admitted coolly and took another sip of water.
“Anyway, we’re a team, hyung. If we had done well, you wouldn’t have felt the need to do such things.”
The reason I was obsessed with being number one was obvious: to prevent any leaks and to quickly clear this scenario and get out.
It wasn’t that I thought the members lacked skill.
“If I hadn’t thrown a tantrum about not wanting to compose back then, if Jeong Dajun hadn’t made that mistake, if Jiwon-hyung had practiced more, if Seonghyeon-hyung had shown his abs—things like that…”
“What’s with the last one?”
“Honestly, that’s probably our biggest mistake in this whole thing.”
Kang Ichae joked with a snicker, closing the water bottle and spinning it with his fingertips.
“I know our group isn’t your top priority, hyung.”
“…”
“I’ve always wondered why you go to such lengths. But I get it now. You have some other goal.”
He kicked off the floor slightly, sliding over to his desk, and repeatedly hit the save button on his music composition program.
“Then we should run together.”
And he smiled brightly.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you breathe well?”
“Of course.”
Strangely enough, I shamelessly lied, using acting skills that didn’t fool any of the members.
Every now and then, I subtly shifted to the opposite side of Kang Ichae as my arm started to go numb, but Kang Ichae just stared blankly without saying a word.
“Good, that’s a relief.”
He muttered, and silence lingered between us.
After a moment, Kang Ichae stretched and stood up.
“But when you puke, stop running away, got it?”
“…”
Even at times like this, he had to rhyme?[1]
He tapped my back and gestured for us to head back to the dorm.
Even though it was late at night, unlike earlier, all the members were gathered in the living room.
They were chatting quietly but widened their eyes when they saw us.
“Oh!”
“You’re back?”
“Yeah. Hey, since we have nothing else to do…”
I naturally sat on the sofa, contemplating what to say.
Then I remembered Jeong Dajun constantly singing about wanting to try drinking when he became an adult.
Back then, I had laughed it off, thinking he was just a kid with no fear.
“…Should we drink to celebrate?”
“What’s with the sudden…”
Even Jeong Dajun looked at me with a puzzled expression.
“If you don’t want to, forget it.”
“Oh! No, let’s drink, let’s drink.”
Seong Jiwon, thinking it was a good chance to lighten the mood, agreed with me and quickly started setting things up.
I followed Kim Seonghyeon, who volunteered to buy the alcohol.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Pine bud drink.”
“I’m so sick of that…”
If you had tried mixing Pine bud and soju, you wouldn’t say that.
I grabbed beer and soju and was even eyeing the whiskey section when Kim Seonghyeon asked,
“But it’s surprising you didn’t fight with Kang Ichae.”
“Was there a need to fight…”
I scratched my nose awkwardly.
“Kang Ichae was pretty mature.”
“…What?”
“He seemed really composed.”
The Pine bud drink in Kim Seonghyeon’s hand dropped to the floor.
“Hey. You really don’t remember…? He was the most pissed off when you were in bad shape.”
“…??”
Then, with an incredulous look, Kim Seonghyeon revealed something I didn’t know.
“Remember when the company was debating whether to leave you alone or pull you off stage? Kang Ichae and Seong Jiwon fought so fiercely. Seeing how crazy his eyes got, I thought we might disband right then and there.”
“…”
“Dajun and I got caught in the crossfire. I never imagined I’d become the shrimp caught in the middle.”
Kim Seonghyeon glanced at my face, grumbling as he picked up the drink from the floor.
“I went out because they told us to stay out until Kang Ichae could calmed down.”
Only then did I realize.
Kang Ichae, you sneaky bastard!
He had conveniently left out the parts that put him in a bad light.
[1] Ichae said, “근데 토할 때 그만 토껴, 알겠지?” Note that토할 때 (tohal ttae/”when you puke”) and 그만 토껴 (geuman tokkyeo/”stop running away”) rhymes.
